I forgot about the power that internet reflection holds and by god I need reflection
I had a crazy many weeks and I am feeling all sorts of crazy shit
Of late I've (I had) been spending time with a group of NYC teenagers who know how to have good time and have been kind enough to let me tag along. But in my awkward lurking amongst their group I learned a few things:
a) I really have had a fucking lonely high school experience
b) Hanging around other people's friends makes me feel even fucking lonlier
c) I've really missed whatever friends I have - and need to make the most of their time before we all go off to separate places
The NYC kids are awesome they are rad and when they talked to me it was fun. But I am not so into the hovering bit.
Last night I went to a show in Brooklyn with them - and it was quite electrically charged and hot and sweaty and I got into it. The train ride back sucked. Everyone was reveling in their enormity and singing and swaying and I watched them quitely from my seat and realized THIS IS THEM. And I AM NOT THEM. This is their senior year as well and they want to soak eachother up in the best way possible and what am I? I am some random chick from somewhere elese who is sitting bruised and beaten and reticent on the subway seat watching all their shit unfold around me. If everyone bone in my body shattered at that point and I was just one bloody sweaty fleshy mess on the train floor it would probably take a while for them to notice if at all. That is a sad thought but I'm really not so sad. I know when I should exit. So I went home and silently left them and walked away in the warm city night. I don't know who noticed my absence if people noticed at all and I'm really not concerned if they even did. I needed to exit.
I'm also really fucking anxious for June and graduation and everyone around me is making a big deal about the prom and the sadness of leaving and I'm the only one who can't stand to be around these people for another minute and just want my fucking sqaure hat with the tassle so I can walk off into the sunset and move onto the next chapter.
I feel like I must be doing something wrong for not being overcome with this grand sense that an era is ending. This was a huge fucking part of my life. But you know what, a huge sucky part of my life.
Last time it was real good was 4th grade before people started caring about pointless shit and separating into useless cliques and allowing clothes and friends and tv shows to define identities.
(I sound like an angsty middle schooler - ha). Middle school and beginning of high school I was overweight and knew that people didn't really want to be around that becuase I didn't fit into their image of beautiful glistening youth. So I brooded and devoted my time to being "different" and bought weird clothes and cut my hair weird and listened to weird music. So now 8 years after 4th grade I'm not overweight - men have told me that I'm "beautiful" but I don't care about that shit because this primary education had left me kind of jaded. So I melt into the background and am the only girl in my high school to wear black boots and say weird shit and not be sad that I'm getting the hell out.
And I still feel like I'm doing something wrong becuase instead of pool parties I read Kafka and instead of house parties I read Kerouac and instead of afterschool junk food nailpolish parties I painted pictures of one-armed pin-up girls and instead of driving around in nice cars I listened to music that musicians actually put their blood in and that make people FEEL (anger, elatedness whatever) So instead of memories of crazy times with my friends I have books and paint globs and cassettes and a cynicism that amuses only my father.
And I'm not going to prom and I'm not going to parties and I'm not crying and I'm not reminising I am just lacing up my fucking boots and praying to god that I will just fall asleep and wake up in June in time for summer and college and all that other stuff that will have its fair share of shitty moments but won't ever compare to the searing lonliness that has consumed by life thus far.
Yes I'm fucking lonely and yes it hurts but you know - maybe if I had painted my nails and didn't read books I wouldn't be who I am and I kind of fucking like who I am and I like that other people will like who I am and I can revel in the enormity of life when I am an active participant. This is just one sucky blip on the screen and I am going off into the future now and I am SCARED to death about what is going to happen but that fear feels so fucking good.
becuase for the first time in my life there is so much fucking POSSIBILITY I can't even believe it.
